What Color is Kindness?
By Katherine Barfield, Writer and Children’s Media Association Volunteer
The Kindness of Strangers
When I was 12 years old and my sister was 9, I bought her an ice cream cone. With no parents around, she ordered her first triple scoop. I can still remember holding the door for her as she shuffled out with her prize, shielding the precariously balanced ice cream with her hand. She took tiny licks as it melted down her hand in the hot Georgia sun. Then, she stopped at the corner, closed her eyes and stuck out her tongue with relish. As her tongue hit the ice cream, the structurally unsound scoops began to teeter. Time seemed to slow down as the top scoop tumbled over her hand, landing on the sidewalk with a plop. The middle scoop followed, slipping down the cone like a rider on a waterslide. She looked down at her cone, now a single scoop. “There’s still Rocky Road,” she said softly. We began to walk away.
“Oh no, that’s not right. We have to tell them.” We looked up to find a man standing a few feet away. “We have to get you a new cone. Follow me.”
We’d been taught not to talk to strangers, but it was a sunny afternoon in a public place, and he walked back to the ice cream shop with such purpose that we shrugged and followed him. He held the door for us. As he walked in he announced, “This little girl dropped her ice cream cone. She’d like another triple scoop, please.” They fixed it. In the words of Blanche DuBois, “I have always depended upon the kindness of strangers.”
I have, though. I live in New York City, and even here, I expect people to be kind. I take kindness for granted. It’s easy for me to do, because for the most part, in my experience, people are kind. Kindness is so unassuming, so integral to day to day life, that I never really stopped to give it any thought.
That is, until a few weeks ago, when I signed up for an hour long discussion on kindness. The “Be Kind Virtual Fireside Chat” was hosted by the Children’s Media Association and Good Work House. Houston Kraft, Founder of Character Strong, interviewed Jaclyn Lindsey and Melissa Burmester, the Co-Founders of Kindness.org. Kindness.org’s mission statement reads, “We are a nonprofit with a bold hypothesis: Kindness is the catalyst in solving the world’s biggest challenges. We believe a kinder world is possible, and we’re here to make it happen.” The topic for the evening was their new book, Be Kind: A Year of Kindness One Week at a Time (Rock Point, May 2020).
Houston kicked off the discussion with an unusual question — what color is kindness?
“Kindness is gray,” Melissa said, because, “gray blends all of the colors, meets in the middle.” I had long held the belief that kindness couldn’t stand alone. It was a mirror that reflected and depended upon other stronger virtues. My opinion confirmed, I sat back and wondered how they’d fill an hour talking about kindness.
Micro-Kindnesses: “The 90%”
Houston asked Melissa and Jaclyn what led them to kindness. Melissa’s answer struck me. “I was showing up when it really mattered,” she said, “but I was getting it wrong in the small ways, in the day-to-day. I wasn’t finding the small moments, the little connections of picking up the phone when I needed to, or all of the thoughts I had, but never followed through on…I was getting a lot of the small things wrong, and what does that lead up to? That’s it, that’s your life. That’s 90% of it. Those bigger moments, the 10%, the holidays…that’s not who I want to be anymore.”
“We spend 90% of our time planning for the 10%, and 10% of our time working on the 90%,” Houston summarized. “It’s counterintuitive. Sometimes it takes a moment of heartbreak or hurt to realign us, to help shift the microactions that really add up to be the macro,” he added.
A Trait People Never Fail to Undervalue
“Just like your mother you’re unfailingly kind… a trait people never fail to undervalue, I’m afraid.”
~ Dumbledore, Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
Houston shifted the conversation and asked Jaclyn and Melissa their definitions of the word kindness. “Sometimes,” he said, “it helps me to differentiate through contrast — kindness, empathy, compassion, niceness. How do you distinguish between those attributes, and why use the word ‘kindness’ in the first place?”
Melissa started, “Kindness, specifically, is special because it is an action. That means that for us [at Kindness.org], it’s something measurable, doable, something you can practice . . . . You feel empathy, but what do you do with that? What are the actions I need to start to take to change?”
When she said “start to change,” I realized I praised other virtues because I saw self sacrifice behind them, but kindness seemed as easy as breathing. I called my sister, as I often do when I’m stuck. “Why celebrate something that people do naturally?,” I asked.
“Um,” she began, “I think kindness comes easily to you, so you just assume people are kind. I, for one, am always surprised by kindness. I don’t expect it.”
I was reminded of every math tutor I ever had. They were all so good at math that they couldn’t recognize how hard it was for me. And how kind was I, really, if I didn’t appreciate kindness emanating from others?
Jaclyn added to Melissa’s point, “It’s a choice . . . you’re making that conscious choice to choose kindness when you feel empathy, and that’s what makes it incredibly potent.”
Kindness is a Muscle
Rebecca Reed, a contributor to the book, read her excerpt, titled “Kindness is a muscle” in which a first grader kept “forgetting” to choose kindness. Houston added that the Arabic word for “human” is “to forget.”
“So much of kindness is remembering,” Houston said. “In the [book’s] forward, you talk about incentives, information, and isolation. I’m interested to know how you think about those three things as barriers to remembering the practice of kindness.”
Melissa said that the most common question they get is, “What is a kind act?,” a question that is even more relevant during this pandemic, a question I felt confident I knew the answer to before the talk, but now I wasn’t so sure.
Jaclyn said she and Melissa knew that the “story and the human side aren’t going anywhere, but we wanted to couple it with the data side.” This way, people are without any excuses to choose kindness. She recalled that when they provided the data and science behind kindness, a teacher responded that she was struck by the responses of her middle school boys. They needed the information in order to act. This was a hopeful moment — the barriers can be overcome.
Melissa added another barrier — the fear of being vulnerable. “You will get taken advantage of,” she says, “but is it worth it? Yes. Will you be happier? Yes. Will society thrive? Yes.” Those who exploit are the minority.” Provide the information, she says, and let people try.
The Prism of Kindness
Houston shifted gears to how we talk about kindness culturally. One of his biggest pet peeves is that the kindness that gets the most media coverage is “fluffified” kindness, such as random acts of kindness. While random acts have their own merits, it greatly diminishes kindness in its many facets. The book uses kindness as an umbrella term that encompasses things underneath — honesty, clarity, self-forgiveness, compassion.
“It goes back to how you define kindness,” says Melissa. “From the scientific point, what does the research and science tell us? We shifted random acts of kindness to recommended acts. Kindness is an action with the intention to benefit, and that can look like so many things in so many circumstances.” She referenced a story in the book of a woman whose vet delivered the bad news that her dog was terminally ill. The vet saved her a month of suffering by being upfront with her. There is deep challenging stuff around kindness. It goes much deeper than a simple, polite action.
Jaclyn added that they called for submissions from people from all walks of life with little constraint or guidance, and simply asked for a story of kindness they had received. “One thing that’s abundantly clear is that it’s very personal, everyone’s experience is very different,” she observed.
As I listened, the idea of a spectrum of virtues with kindness at the bottom and love at the top became a prism. Depending on how the light hit it, different virtues appeared, but kindness held them all. Contrary to what I believed before the discussion, I understood that kindness is foundational. It not only stands alone, it’s all important.
Act As If You Did
“Do not waste time bothering whether you ‘love’ your neighbor; act as if you did. As soon as we do this we find one of the great secrets. When you are behaving as if you loved someone, you will presently come to love him.”
~ C.S. Lewis
Houston asked about what’s behind kindness, specifically, what happens when kindness is not informed by empathy.
Jaclyn said people in their network have talked about wanting to be kind to people experiencing homelessness, even when they don’t feel empathy towards them. “We say it’s ok,” she says. “When we think about removing barriers, I’d never want someone to say, ‘I can’t be kind because I’m not feeling empathy right now.’”
Of course, when you have empathy, it doesn’t always lead to kindness. The person doesn’t receive the benefit of empathy. Action is the most important piece. Melissa said they have been researching the question — can kindness lead to empathy? If you take the action and remove the context, it shifts. But the interesting thing is that it can be with the intent to try and do good.”
We can burn ourselves out if we are investing emotional energy into everything. Compassion fatigue can come from the emotional side of empathy.
The Little Things Are the Big Things
As he wrapped up, Houston asked Melissa and Jaclyn where they felt gaps in their kindness.
“All of it!,” Melissa responded. “I give myself kind re-do’s. I think it’s patience I work at.” She reminds us that we have to work the “muscle of kindness” to make kindness sustainable.
Jaclyn responded, “The people closest to you get the worst of you . . . . I feel like I’ve been working on kindness to the people closest to me, because a stranger often gets the best of me.”
“A lot of narratives . . . say kindness is free,” Houston observed. “Kindness might be free . . . but it almost always costs us something. . . if I give my attention to other places, I get home, and I have limited bandwidth. So much of kindness is attention allocation. Brené Brown says, ‘The most kind people counterintuitively, are the most boundaried.’ It’s the consciousness of where my attention is going.”
Houston offered, “The world could use some hope right now. Could you close us out with a statement of hope?”
Melissa referenced the George Eliot quote, “It’s never too late to be what you might have been.” “That’s the power of kindness,” she added, “it can rewrite the ending.”
Jaclyn thanked everyone for the messages of kindness in the chat. “Every act matters. . . . It’s never too late to start to try.”
“We’re human becomings as a matter of practice and repetition over time,” Houston remarked. “It’s a muscle we get to work in a whole bunch of different ways — honesty, humility, forgiveness, compassion, empathy. All those things are things we can exercise every day, even in small ways. Those micro actions add up. Maybe if we spent as much time thinking about the little things as the big things, we’d recognize that the little things are the big things.”
I’ve reflected on what I’ve learned. Kindness is a muscle. Kindness is a choice, but it can become a habit. Kindness sometimes requires sacrifice. Kindness is multi-faceted. Kindness does not have to start with empathy.
How can I practice kindness? After all, kindness is intensely personal. I finally arrived at gratitude. The next time I’m a recipient of kindness, I can stop and quietly acknowledge it with thankfulness. As a giver of kindness, I can slow down and verbally appreciate unique things about the other person, not just thank them for what they have done for me. I remember going to a Starbucks at Port Authority (a very busy and intense part of New York). I complimented the cashier’s nails. She was barely a teenager and clearly stressed, but her face broke open into a wide smile, and she excitedly explained how she’d gotten the look, as the line behind me waited, kindly and patiently. She genuinely wished me a good day. I left smiling, too. It was just a little thing, but the little things are the big things.
ABOUT THE AUTHORS
Melissa Burmester
Melissa Burmester, co-founder and chief product officer of kindness.org, loves asking questions and building teams to solve complex problems. She is an author, keynote speaker, and start-up advisor. Throughout her career, she has produced content from eight different countries, conducted countless interviews, and amassed over 160 million video views. Working closely with kindness.org’s research team to study the impact of kindness, Melissa helps leverage their findings to create new programs that can be implemented in schools and workplaces. She avidly believes that kindness transcends difference. Outside of work, Melissa is passionate about volunteering at organizations focused on disaster relief, education, and ending childhood hunger. You can catch her hosting living room dance parties with her young daughter every Saturday morning.
Jaclyn Lindsey
Jaclyn Lindsey, co-founder and CEO of kindness.org, believes that kindness is humanity’s greatest asset. She’s taken her passion for people and love of leading and problem-solving to help launch Kindness.org — which leverages science, technology and a global network to bring kindness to the forefront of society. Jaclyn has spent over a decade in the nonprofit space, where she’s helped raise more than $100M for domestic and international missions. She sits on the board of Children in Conflict, and is an advisor to Creative Mint and Expectful. When not whiteboarding ways to use kindness for good, she loves adventuring around with her husband, Mancel, and son, Abel, and spending time with family, friends or strangers around a dinner table.
ABOUT KINDNESS.ORG
Kindness.org is a research-led nonprofit dedicated to educating and inspiring people to choose kindness. Through their research hub, Kindlab, they investigate the costs and benefits of kindness, and the role it can play in solving modern problems. With the help of more than 400 volunteer citizen scientists, and a global community representing 192 nations, they test academic findings in the real world. They then take their learnings and create products and programs to bring kindness to schools, communities, and workplaces around the world. Learn Kind, an inquiry-based learning framework for bringing kindness and social-emotional education to classrooms, was recently launched for this purpose. Work Kind serves a similar purpose for businesses, using action-based programming to maximize the well-being of organizations and the people who power them. All these efforts contribute to the vision of a world where kindness is at the forefront of human interaction.
ABOUT HOUSTON KRAFT
Houston is a speaker, curriculum developer, and kindness advocate who has spoken at over 600 schools or events internationally. In 2016, he co-founded CharacterStrong — curriculum and trainings that transform the way schools teach social-emotional learning, character education, and Kindness. To date, they have worked with over 2000 schools globally. In 2019, his face was featured on Lays BBQ chip bags as someone who helps “spread smiles.” He was once invited to play on the JV National Lasertag Team. His mom is his hero and her best life lesson is to “hug like you mean it.” Follow Houston on Twitter @houstonkraft and on Instagram @houstonkraft.
ABOUT CHILDREN’S MEDIA ASSOCIATION
Children’s Media Association (CMA) is the nonprofit community that connects the dots across all corners of the children’s industry. As makers, thinkers, and innovators, we believe that by learning and playing together, we strengthen ourselves, our community, and content for kids. With chapters in New York, LA, and San Francisco, and virtual members around the world, CMA is building the future of our industry. Follow Children’s Media Association on Twitter @cma and on Instagram @childrens_media_association.
ABOUT GOOD WORK HOUSE
Founded in Venice, California in June 2019 as a community of influencers, creators, artists, and entrepreneurs using their platforms for good, Good Work House is now a global community, open to anyone who’s interested in serving others and being a force for good in the world.
Our mission at Good Work House is “serving connection.” We create meaningful opportunities for people to connect deeply around serving others. We serve each other and we serve our communities. At Good Work House, all are welcome and everyone is valued. It’s a place where you can be yourself, let your guard down and be vulnerable.
We believe there’s no greater joy than the joy that comes from serving others alongside people you love and enjoy being with. Follow Good Work House on Twitter at @GoodWorkHouse and on Instagram @goodworkhouse.
